I miss all my friends, (+ slightly my family) so much.  Even the people I shouldn’t miss.  It’s not that my housesmates are horrible, because they aren’t.  They are 6 of the nicest and craziest people, and I enjoy living with them but I’m missing something.  When I’m feeling down I think about my previous year (or the first 7 months of this year)  and i just wish i had something like that now.  I work over 35 hours a week, and all i want to do when I get home is is snuggle with someone, have a rant without feeling like I am boring someone, have a someone come and visit me and have a fucking good weekend.  I want to stop feeling so ill, that I can’ t eat sometimes  or that i have like a few mouthfuls of pasta or something and then oh, im full  i don’t really know why im complaining of the lack of eatage.  Its just odd for me.

So what have a been up to?  working my wee socks off, seriously was on my last legs before christmas and needed a break.  Then i came back to work earlier this week, and was like….what is this work? what am i even doing here at this stupid time? It was a shock to the system.  Let me chat about some of my nights out…

• Went out with one of my college friends, and her friends from her classes.  Those friends were nice, but then another friend she lives with also met us and she was a tad weird and slutty.  She basically was competeing for my friends attention against me and in the end i just could not be assed. Then later, she left and i thought she had just popped to the toilet, in fact she had gone to meet friends who had previously said they werent going out.  And my friend was trying to find her everywhere.
• Me and mum had a massive argument ater christmas dinner, partly fueled by my brother.  My made be make a smaller tea, but then wouldnt tell me all the details.  Then also people were saying they werent hungry.  One of the things washe made me go outside to get cheesecake, then when I came in…we didnt need it and apparently if i had been at home the day before i would have seen that she had been baking things.  Then my brother was just bing whiney and making things worse.
• soooo New Year: We went to a friends 21st birthday at her house.  my housemate joe, left the party early and was going to meet me later, when i left so i wasnt walking home alone.  He told me to go to this street, but he spelt it wrong so i nearly went somewhere else. Then he told me to go find another housemate of mine in this random house in a street. It was the loudest one in the street, there was a room dedicated to weed smokers and druggies, another with a full on rave and graffiti up the walls. She wasnt in there and then joe arrived back and he tried to get me to dance even though i wanted to go home (i had also just walked 30 mins round reading) rang the other housemate, she was 2 doors down (in a quieter house), went to see her, was there 2 hours, then i ended up going back the way i came nearly and going to her boyfriends house…and i ended up sleeping in her boyfriends bed for 2 hours and then got back to my own bed at 9 in the morning and sleeping well into the afternoon.
• Last night i went out with a few housmates and friends, (as the rest of our house has gone on tour…snow)  everything was going fine….  Somehow, we ended up meeting a friend in a gay bar and yes, someone made eye-contact……then we moved across town to pavlovs dog and then back over to yates. Me and my housemate have a kind of a fued going on.  Whenever we go out, or whenever he drinks he ends up gettinng really loud, treating me like shit, tries to kiss me or grope my boobs.  So last night, he kept commenting how short i was, dancing like a twat, disappearing and not coming back for ages, and just being a twat.  By the end of last year, I just didnt want to go out if joe was involved, although he would go out of his way to go out…even if he has no money.  Im sick of him, being a dick to me and being to clingy to me….the amount of people wo have asked if we are together…but we are not.  He is not my type, he just is not like the guy i want.
• went shopping today…wasnt going to buy that much.  Just needed to post a present, and send a dress back.  Popped into Acessorise to spend a gift card i got for christmas.  Picked out an awesome cupcake and a binocular,camera necklaces and a bracelet with charms which also had three bright coloured ribbons going through it.  Paid, went into Boots, bought some other things, got a bus back to my house.  started discussing what i had bought…looked at my bags, and my tiny Acsessorise was gone.  I had left it somewhere, totally gutted, and then i tell one of my housemates and he fucking laughs at me.

So yeah, my christmas started alright and then things have prtty much gone down hill from there.  Some of my housemates are starting to really piss me off.  They don’t have any money so they will basically scavenge off everyone else, any free food going and they are in there straight away.  I always have lemonade and coke, always asking me for some, and do i get anything back?  I lot of shit drama and then the rest of a flat bottle of lemonade because they cant put a top back on properly. They burn shit to my pans, and then dont clean them properly.  I have managed to keep them pans clean for over a year, and now after 3 months..gross.  No-one buys toilet paper, or milk other than m and another girl.

hmm, just need something good to happen in my life, a nice weekend, free of drama and crap.

So anyway, one of the first things my parents said to me when i got back was that i should lose some weight and the next thing was that i had bad skin (not that bad seriously, its not noticeable unless, you look at my neck close up).  So, anyway both of these i know about, because well you know yourself dont you? Someone doesn’t need to point these imperfections out to you, do they?  Imperfections to them, could be the last straw for you.  They could mean, life or death, love or heartbreak, happiness and the other one.

I didn’t need my parents to point these out to me, this is me and i do know my body, nearly every centimetre of it.  The fact the pointed these out, has now made it so that my brother is turned into a slight bully.  My face isnt that spotty that astronauts may mistake it as the moon, and neither am i obese.  I’ve just been at university, living off noodles and pizza, i should learn to cook more, i know.

…and for the next two weeks, im going to sort this out…or make a start, not because of a parents, but because i want to, and did before they said anything.

I decided definatly a few months ago, if not a few years ago.  That I am, who I am, and no-one can change this.  I think this is the same for everyone, while people might come to me for advice…for some reason… (whether what i give is what they want, i do try to answer honestly…well i will from now on) Im not going to force them to do this, that isn’t me.  We shouldn’t change ourselves for others around us, they should learn to love us the way we are.  Just because someone wanted to hang out/chat with someone that you hate, you shouldn’t hate on them for this.  You can’t keep your best/boy/girl friend locked up, you would end up just wanting to kill them (well i would) this isn’t fair on them, you, those around you and their friends. So for fucks sake, live you lifes people. If people want to change you, ditch them, because they are obviously not worth keeping.  It may be hard, at first, but your real friends around will keep you….

miss you xxx

(you should know who i mean)

I just wanted to thank one of my friends for reading what i previously wrote and .. well including me, making sure that i was okay, while celebrating his birthday.. and making me feel good about myself and basically life.  I think if he ever reads this, he should know who i am talking about.  Although, it would have been nice for a bit more notice on before you left, hmm? Likewise, i will admit it that it would have been nice to catch a glimpse of someone?  I may have said last time i had nearly died, but i was prepared this time, lol. Grr, your a guy when are you going to think with your head?

So anyway, im guessing people want to know more about my awesome life.  hmm.  so im not sure what has been happening lately as to what happened last semester, but…my pulling powers are immense haha :D  not that i have been pulling anything that is worth keeping There was the random guy in town a few weeks ago that forced himself onto me, the promotions guy in the flouresent hoodie, and then the idiot from leeds (from yorkshire like me) from friday night (who has been nick-named the smeg..by two of my friends) who apparently is in stafford once a year and therefore, there was no point in getting my number.  Well I showed the last guy, as soon as he said that i walked away and ran out of the union dragging two of my guy-friends out with me (we were leaving anyway, but the smeg, couldnt understand why so soon, and why i had to go because another guy friend was spewing his guts up.) :?  some people are just idiots.

So yeah, as you may have guessed my 2nd semester is nearly over and well there isnt really a third semester. I have been at uni for over half a year and it really doesnt feel like it.  I just want it to carry on, we have had so much fun.  We started the year with like a list todo and i dont think we have done half of the things we wanted to do yet.  Partying in Stoke? But then i think of the things we have done…paramore, shopping in birmingham and stoke, picking our house for next year, partying in stafford, the SU, and all the laughter and fun times we have had together.  There has been so many funtimes, just me saying stuff, which usually ends with me having to leave the room, and laugh it off…even when i try to go back, i just burst out laughing again…and everyone is like, ‘oh dear, fay….you have killed her’

I just wish it could carry on like this for a lot longer.  I wish that i lived alot closer, than i actually do. . . instead of being the one people have to travel to see in holidays..if they wanted.  Holidays are gonna suck bigtime…espeicially being an isolated hermit like me, who lives in the country….like if it wasnt for the massive main road outside my house.  I have a massive road, but i still have to travel, just to get milk or something.  The buses dont even go past my house, i have to walk to the top of the road, and even then there is no actual bus stop, and you kind of have to pray that a bus actually does stop and goes where you want to go.

No, i dont feel sex-deprived, i feel more like ‘love’ deprived. I am a quite person, so no taking me round the student union just checking out the boys, is not something i enjoy (although thanks for the thought).  It’s stupid and really not going to get me anywhere, but i would prefer just for some really nice, drop-dead gorgeous guy just to walk up to me and .. be interested and not feel forced to talk to me.  Someone, who doesn’t walk up to me, dance with me for 2 minutes and then try and snog my face off (yes, it has happened….and no it wasn’t nice, and he wasn’t even good-lucking).

I feel sort of left out when it comes to conversations about boyfriends, but then sometimes… i really don’t want to know some information because it just pisses me off to the maxx, because people expect me to say the right thing….but i reality I’m am going to give you the ‘19 and single‘ response, which currently includes- something about alcohol, a girly night or dancing.  I’m not saying, ‘just …shut up about boyfriends’  because that will make you sad, because i points im guessing you like talking about them, as they are something you love.  But, I already feel bad about being single as it is.

I’m not a lesbian, or bi and to be honest i don’t intend to be either.  I don’t have anything against you guys….i just don’t see myself being …But, currently i feel that i have failed in life. Three years ago, i ‘accidently ‘ turned someone down, not even realising that, so is this how life is paying me back, hmm.  Well, please give me another chance, and life if you really like me and know me….you will know what to do.  Things would be alot easier if i wasn’t such a quiet person, but my past has made me this way, and i think my family have moulded it into me (not just my parents and brother either, like cousins etc).

The truth is that of anyone i can think of right now.  There has only one person, who has made me feel good about myself.  They have never made joke on me, ignored me or left me out.  It was like probably less than 30 minutes i have spent, without any friend near by to yank me away.  To me it was genuine, despite the amount of alcohol we both had consumed, I probably will never know about him.  But those 30 minutes, contain some of my favourite memories, in that time- i didn’t care about those around me, what they thought, what they were doing.  Now, i don’t think i can get that back, i had it for a moment and let it go. 

I want something like that again, probably with someone my (girl)friends actually approve of, as now basically they have declared themselves as boygaurds….even though they dont really come into action when needed.  Or maybe the same person again, and just listen to that little devil….now im going loopy again. Im not someone who will just sleep with some, i would rather get to know them first… I WANT SOMEONE TO JUST (BASICALLY) WALK UP TO ME, CHAT, DANCE AND WANT TO LIKE ME…..

Who knew love would be so hard, or just the tiniest stab of some would be.  There are moments of my day when i just randomly think of people and then, shake myself out of that thought because they are long gone…figments of memories.  Okay, now looking back i wish i had played things differently, especially recently. When I need body-guards/life-coaches (evil-devils and shoulders that once in a while i should listen too), i dont have them and when i don’t want them……

Tomorrow, my friends are going to see this and be like, ‘oh fay!’ I know, but really, no-one can give me a decent enough answer or give me a solution that i like.

I feel like i am a picky-bitch, when it come to guys….or someone has told me that i am too good for all the guys i know.

I cannot be like this all the time, can I?

Yeah I admit it, i can be moody, argumentative and sometimes I can be bit materialistic (and probably a few other things) but really?  Im sure that 90% of us are like this and then you have 10% you really are just twats.

Im sure people know one, probably a few.

There the poeple who dont know when to shut up, they swagger around (yeah, i used swagger, as they never walk properly), claim to know everything (including there own arsehole) and just generally piss you off to the max.  Sometimes, I just need to sit there an witness the shit coming from their mouth, while other get pissed off.  While other times, i have actually blurted something out in response, which has been shouted down because I obviously dont know enough.

In reality i think we are all waiting for that ‘special’ person, to punched square in the face, when they have just said a little two much.

ARSEHOLE: someone being arrogant, rude, obnoxious, or just a total dickhead….

DOUCHE-BAG: Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confuzed with Douche

DOUCHE: a word to describe an individual who has shown themself to be very brainless in one way or another, thus comparing them to the cleansing product for vaginas.

…would usually also have a ….

BITCH: An exceedingly whipped guy who does/wears/thinks/says whatever his girlfriend tells him to. [girlfriend, guyfriend, bestfriend are all the same in this example]

all thanks to urbandictionary