I miss all my friends, (+ slightly my family) so much.  Even the people I shouldn’t miss.  It’s not that my housesmates are horrible, because they aren’t.  They are 6 of the nicest and craziest people, and I enjoy living with them but I’m missing something.  When I’m feeling down I think about my previous year (or the first 7 months of this year)  and i just wish i had something like that now.  I work over 35 hours a week, and all i want to do when I get home is is snuggle with someone, have a rant without feeling like I am boring someone, have a someone come and visit me and have a fucking good weekend.  I want to stop feeling so ill, that I can’ t eat sometimes  or that i have like a few mouthfuls of pasta or something and then oh, im full  i don’t really know why im complaining of the lack of eatage.  Its just odd for me.

So what have a been up to?  working my wee socks off, seriously was on my last legs before christmas and needed a break.  Then i came back to work earlier this week, and was like….what is this work? what am i even doing here at this stupid time? It was a shock to the system.  Let me chat about some of my nights out…

• Went out with one of my college friends, and her friends from her classes.  Those friends were nice, but then another friend she lives with also met us and she was a tad weird and slutty.  She basically was competeing for my friends attention against me and in the end i just could not be assed. Then later, she left and i thought she had just popped to the toilet, in fact she had gone to meet friends who had previously said they werent going out.  And my friend was trying to find her everywhere.
• Me and mum had a massive argument ater christmas dinner, partly fueled by my brother.  My made be make a smaller tea, but then wouldnt tell me all the details.  Then also people were saying they werent hungry.  One of the things washe made me go outside to get cheesecake, then when I came in…we didnt need it and apparently if i had been at home the day before i would have seen that she had been baking things.  Then my brother was just bing whiney and making things worse.
• soooo New Year: We went to a friends 21st birthday at her house.  my housemate joe, left the party early and was going to meet me later, when i left so i wasnt walking home alone.  He told me to go to this street, but he spelt it wrong so i nearly went somewhere else. Then he told me to go find another housemate of mine in this random house in a street. It was the loudest one in the street, there was a room dedicated to weed smokers and druggies, another with a full on rave and graffiti up the walls. She wasnt in there and then joe arrived back and he tried to get me to dance even though i wanted to go home (i had also just walked 30 mins round reading) rang the other housemate, she was 2 doors down (in a quieter house), went to see her, was there 2 hours, then i ended up going back the way i came nearly and going to her boyfriends house…and i ended up sleeping in her boyfriends bed for 2 hours and then got back to my own bed at 9 in the morning and sleeping well into the afternoon.
• Last night i went out with a few housmates and friends, (as the rest of our house has gone on tour…snow)  everything was going fine….  Somehow, we ended up meeting a friend in a gay bar and yes, someone made eye-contact……then we moved across town to pavlovs dog and then back over to yates. Me and my housemate have a kind of a fued going on.  Whenever we go out, or whenever he drinks he ends up gettinng really loud, treating me like shit, tries to kiss me or grope my boobs.  So last night, he kept commenting how short i was, dancing like a twat, disappearing and not coming back for ages, and just being a twat.  By the end of last year, I just didnt want to go out if joe was involved, although he would go out of his way to go out…even if he has no money.  Im sick of him, being a dick to me and being to clingy to me….the amount of people wo have asked if we are together…but we are not.  He is not my type, he just is not like the guy i want.
• went shopping today…wasnt going to buy that much.  Just needed to post a present, and send a dress back.  Popped into Acessorise to spend a gift card i got for christmas.  Picked out an awesome cupcake and a binocular,camera necklaces and a bracelet with charms which also had three bright coloured ribbons going through it.  Paid, went into Boots, bought some other things, got a bus back to my house.  started discussing what i had bought…looked at my bags, and my tiny Acsessorise was gone.  I had left it somewhere, totally gutted, and then i tell one of my housemates and he fucking laughs at me.

So yeah, my christmas started alright and then things have prtty much gone down hill from there.  Some of my housemates are starting to really piss me off.  They don’t have any money so they will basically scavenge off everyone else, any free food going and they are in there straight away.  I always have lemonade and coke, always asking me for some, and do i get anything back?  I lot of shit drama and then the rest of a flat bottle of lemonade because they cant put a top back on properly. They burn shit to my pans, and then dont clean them properly.  I have managed to keep them pans clean for over a year, and now after 3 months..gross.  No-one buys toilet paper, or milk other than m and another girl.

hmm, just need something good to happen in my life, a nice weekend, free of drama and crap.

My housemate invited me, out to celebrate his mates birthday, which was Essex themed (certain area of the uk).  I got home at 6pm after work and was in my room, doing random things….not really getting ready at all.  6.30pm, joe comes upstairs to my room and tells me I have just over an hour to eat, have a shower and get ready….impossible.  Then they get me to walk another half an hour to his mates house So it was freshers, and the club we went to was rammed, multiple spilled drinks down me, people were spewing up on stairs in toilets. eurgh. We danced, talked to random people, lost multiple people etc. meh? The place emptied and then there was only a few of us left, and for some reason Joe’s friends decided it would be a good time to ballroom dance with me.  Joe was wasted and fell asleep in the taxi, I then get him in our house and he falls asleep while turning on the lightswitch, steals my breakfast and then annoys me even more when im wanting to get in my bed.

I went to see my best friend a few weeks ago.  It was the best thing in the world to go and see her.  Even if she nearly killed me when i had my announcement.  We went to asda, where while we were stood in the bread aisle some guys walked past and we heard them say ‘knee deep in clunge…’ lovely. We watched Greys, friends with benefits and gossiped….lots.  The next day we went shopping, and did alot of drinking.  It was great.  The next day, on my way back home i stopped off to meet my ex.  It was nice to see him and have a little schat, even if i was severely ill.  Admittedly, this was why my friend nearly killed me, but so did a few of my housemates..but i think a few others understood my reasons.  I just slightly wish I didnt feel so ill, because I was not able to wing it like I thought i was. oops.  new i should have prepared more.  The train from there to home, was horrible.  Worst travelling in the world.  Never have I cried so much.

I actually feel like I am dying right now.  Never have I felt so ill in all my life.   I think its the pills I’m on, I swear they make my moods worse, and all pain is like doubled. For the past two days my stomach is killing me so much, I’ve taken ‘extra power’ pain reliever tablets…not working! Yesterday, I got home to practically i house full of strangers, all i wanted to do was eat… then I felt ill, and had a tonne of work to do, which took my mind off things.  Today I come home and feel like Im dying and was in bed for two hours. My housemate alex, just asked me if i have enough drugs…and i was like ‘yeah’.. then he went, ‘no, i mean paracetamol’.  I was totally talking about paracetamol etc.   not sure about him.  His accent made me slightly better, he’s welsh…welsh and irish accents are n iiiiceee!  My friends (and probably housemates) will kill me, but all I want to is A) stay in bed, and B) talk to someone i miss alot…i shouldn’t do, but I’m me.  Recently, when one of my new housemates asked another (who i have lived with since the end of june) what they thought of me, she apparently said she loved me, because i buy toilet roll and stack it in pyramids  :D  which i do. But I think what the general thought was, that I am the nicest person in the world.  Over my 20 years of living (admittedly at least 2-3 I may have been slightly child-like) multiple people say I am the nicest person in the world, and that they are lucky to know me.  I just wish, someone would turn the fuck around and treat me the same way and help me the same as I did to them. Staying in bed is only going to slightly make me feel better. Its been nearly a month, and while at first I thought I could cope.  Now, I can’t.  Seriously, hurting me so bad right now.  I was told if i ever wanted to talk, to email, I do…and so far nothing.  I feel so run down, it’s unreal…what else do I need to do to get my message across.  I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.

So I go swimming usually twice a week, (maybe not this week though…as I usually go tonight, and then thursday…which I am meant to be going out the week-with probably my guy housemates).  I swim around 30-34 lengths each time, which is about the same as what i did once a week for my gold swimming award thing.  But last time, I went swimming weird things happened.  So there I was swimming along, and over in one of the lanes for fast swimmers there is a woman, not the most athletic of people and she was walking/jogging along the lane…no joke.  Doing nothing with her arms, just plodding along in a lane.  I swim a few more lengths, then suddenly some woman appears swimming directly in front of me..coming at me.  Now surely if i was in that invisible fake lane firs,t it would be common courtesy to go swim somewhere else. Like one of the real lanes like she does, after i have stop in the middle of the swimming pool, shimmy over and let her carry on swimming her length.  I carry on swimming and then I have to get and and get my inhaler from my locker. The current swimming pool i go to has no shower stalls, its has like 3 showers in to the side of the changing rooms…just as you come round the corner from the pool.  So I walk round the corner, and there in front of me in the shower completly naked, is the not so athletic woman showering …completely butt naked.  Luckily, (for once) she was bent over looking at her feet for some reason…so I didn’t burn my eyes.  But still, she was still naked, in open showers, anyone could come round the corner.

The above pictures show, A) why I should not shop alone, B) what happens when im depressed, C) when I have no-one to spend money on.  If you click on the pictures they get bigger. Pictures:

1. new nail art things- licource alsort cnae things, glitter nail polish with a thin brush and some stripe tape in pink, purple and silver
2. my buys when i go shopping with someone.  Technically, when I go shopping with guys I buy nothing/not that much/not certain items
3. my spree over the weekend- new wonder woman PJs, new bag, 5 pairs of pants, foot cream, 4 work/going out tops, nail polish, lip balm, coverup, and a scart plug.

 (1 hour later): Don’t worry, I have now had a shower, and a phonecall and I feel alot better :)  At first, I couldn’t think of what to say. and was like,’ urgh, erm…..’  *shock*  But, I honestly can’t explain how happier I feel now.  Even if my stomach is still killing me.

So finally I made the long awaited video which was due back March/april time.  Yes, I did kinda just get out of the shower…no my hair isnt just stupidly greased up…like a non-showering goth….or just generally someone who doesn’t shower.  In real life, i do talk louder, clearer and alot less scatty.. but some housmates are in bed, and I did slghtly get emotional…which i was trying really hard not to do.  Isn’t my webcam quality just fucking amazing? …. and i couldn’t think of anything interesting to say and refuse to watch it back to hear what I actually do say.

The image on the right is me, in one of my many new dresses, I bought recently, it is also the only nice-ish picture of me, i have a habit of making strange faces or closing my eyes.  My hair is shockingly a mess, and i would say this is the last known picture of me before things go dark. But is not the dress, that i bought (in august) for someones birthday which i never got invited too…that dress is now HUGE on me and extremely orange.  I would show you pictures of the other dresses but i look weird in them…the pictures….if you must know…one has a black skirt, with a pink, green and red stripey top, and the other is blue/denim colour, with a belt and wide skirt….i dont really know how to explain.

I also recently found more images on my camera, ones from the end of my 2nd year, some of which i wish i found earlier for facebook profile pictures, because I (well everyone i am with) look really happy in them. Took me back to some good times/people that i miss alot.

link for the weird, walmart song, i clean trust me….just alot of ass shaking really. Oh and also here is a video to describe everything right now, i just don’t cut myself or wear massive boots:

PS. So craving kisses from someone now. Just want to be granted one night….with someone with my slutty side…. Haha

…or just carry on down to read the next post

 (comments usually need to be moderated by me before they get posted….so they might not appear publicly when you write them )

Ps How amazing was the new how i met your mother?